The menu looked promising. Much was proclaimed to be “homemade”, including the ketchup and chilli sauces. But I had eyes only for the much-touted Foie Gras Burger. The vision of a thick slab of goose liver, slightly charred on the outside, bursting with goopy creaminess inside, sizzled its way across my brain. I salivated.

The burger was a whopper. Two lightly-toasted burger buns, the top nicely encrusted with sesame seeds, barely held on to an obscenely fat, one inch thick round patty that juiced most satisfactorily as the knife slid into it.

But what's this?

My craving for burgers grew. Not even a McDonald's Spicy Beef Foldover would do. At RM7.25 (excluding the 5% government tax), it is their ultimate creation, but I was on the trail for the holy grail, the mother of all burgers, the most expensive, deluxe burger there is in all of Kuala Lumpur City.

A friend pointed to Relish, an older gourmet burgery which prides itself as not merely the City's best, but the country's most premier burger restaurant. A quick once-over at their menu online (www.relishworld.com) started the salivatory glands all over again.

There was a pretty wide choice of patties to choose from: Beef, chicken and lamb, and amazingly, even one for vegetarians, but I was after the big kahuna and that meant the 10oz (285g) handmade, chargrilled beef burger in a sour dough bun served with onion for piquancy, lettuce for crispness, tomato for tang, roasted walnuts for crunch and stilton for the knockout rich, salty creaminess, prized at RM33++ online but now going for RM34++.

You can, if you so desire, add on fries or potato wedges on the side. They only cost RM5 and RM8 respectively, but the burger was all I wanted and needed.

Unfortunately, the closest outlet in Bangsar had closed down, suddenly and their only outlet now is kilometres away in Changkat Bukit Bintang and doubted I could last the journey there, let alone withstand parking and actually walking to the restaurant.

Having failed options 1 and 2, it was time to re-analyse my options. Obviously, I should be checking out the meat specialists, and The Outback Steakhouse was coincidentally located round the corner. On the menu was the old reliable The Outbacker, lettuce, onions, pickles, mustard and cheese (RM16.50++) and the attention-seeking Mad Max, “a serious burger for warriors only, please” with its beef bacon, American cheese, pickles, lettuce, onions, mayo and tomato (RM18.50++) but it was The No-Rules Burger that grabbed me, until I learnt the list of toppings available.

Beef bacon, Swiss Cheese, BBQ sauce, grilled onions, sauteed mushrooms, American cheese, more lettuce, tomato and pickles atop a 100% grain-fed Australian beef burger. It sounded like value-for-money at RM20.95++.

So what! I wanted the deluxe of lux. Real bacon, not beef bacon, some more exotic cheese than Swiss (which by the way is just a generic name for the holey-one and not particular to Switzerland). The last straw was when I couldn't have all of it, I had to choose only one topping, or so said the poor waitress I frightened off with my overzealous grilling. Bah!

The other steak houses yielded results just as unsatisfactory. TGIF, Chili's ranged between RM12.90++ to RM18.90++ or thereabouts. Tony Roma's, was a bit more promising. They serve up those burgers with blue cheese and shiitake mushrooms but at only RM22.90++, fell far short of my target.

Mr Ho's new range of “gourmet” beef and lamb burgers were priced at RM19.90++, but unfortunately, the waiter was unable to communicate the “gourmet-ness” of their burgers.

Perhaps I had been too hasty in checking out the steakhouses. If I wanted fine food, I ought to search out the fine dining establishments. As certainly, it seemed like the burger, such a common fast food item, had wound its way onto the menu even there. Alexis at The Gardens had one burger option, the Alexis Burger, which cost RM30++, as did Chinoz, its neighbour a floor below.

Read also: Doughnut make a Homer out of me: Debra Chong checks out the doughnuts.

While both establishments touted their burgers as “gourmet”, Chinoz' s seemed the more interesting. The maitre'd assured me that their burger weighed in at 200g (or 7oz) and was “handchopped” to boot. Wowzers! Imagine that. Wonder if the chefs are required to have a karate black belt on their resume, just to cook those burgers.

By this point, it seemed more than a little absurd to be so worked up over something like a burger. After all, it's a readily available street fast food. I could easily just run round to the closest 7-eleven and grab a Ramly – surely you must have noticed how these 24-hour convenience stores are partnered with the these burger stands). They're now available in many more exotic meat patties: apart from beef, chicken and lamb, there's fish, rabbit, deer and even ostrich. And I wouldn't even have to burn a hole in my bank account.

But stomachs have their own minds and mine insisted only on the finest. A frantic phone call to a former Michelin-star chef gave new hope. Try Angus House, the upmarket Japanese steak house in Pavilion. Word has it they once served a RM77 burger.

“No ma'am, we don't have burgers on our menu. We've never served burgers on our menu,” replied Julian the manager courteously.

“But there's a great place downstairs on the first floor, near KFC that serves great burgers, giant sized, American portions. Really good. It's called, ahhh ... Carls Jr,” he offered in apology.

Carl's Jr, the old kid making a comeback on a new block. Oh, yes, I'd heard of it. We'd chomp down on their pro-teen protein and washed it all down with bottomless sugary colas all those years ago when they'd opened together with Grandy's. Their new line of burgers had certainly attracted them new fans, especially their caloric Double Guacamole Bacon Cheeseburger. You can have it a la carte at RM21.45+ or grab the combo deal at RM25.95+. But the first time I tried the refurbished Carls at 1-Utama made me decide never to go in again. The burgers arrived cold and soggy. Thanks for the info bud, but no thanks.

That left one last upmarket place my brain, enfeebled by hunger, could think of. rime, the super steak specialists at Le Meridien Hotel. Their fame is so widespread you could say they've staked their reputation on it. (Sorry, just couldn't resist the urge to pun.)

If elsewhere, the waiter/chef/friendly neighbourhood Ramly burgerman were to ask, “And how would you like your burger?”; your expected reply would be the standard “Well done/medium/special”.

Not so at Prime. There, the criteria is a mighty long list that covers not merely the cut but the size and its age, that is, how many days the meat's been left to molder. Most of theirs are aged between 80 days to 200. And you can even request the type of cattle it's been cut from. They serve up 100% grain-fed Australian, Black Angus and the most prime of all beef from Kobe, Japan.

Now imagine those succulent things being turned into burgers. That would be an elevator ride up to burger heaven even Wimpy would forego paying on Tuesday for.

And do they have burgers on their menu? Yes they do, according to one Carlos who answered the phone. But it's only been served up before as part of their lunch packaged, pegged at RM55++ and it includes a starter course and dessert or coffee/tea. No, they don't have it regular on their daily menu. In fact, the set lunch changes quite often so it may be a while before the legendary burger makes its next appearance again.

And that got me wandering: Is that all there is to the most expensive burger concocted in Kuala Lumpur City? Surely there must be more, much more that could qualify for the title. What's a sliver of liver to a burger when you could charge a tonne for truffles inna bun? And while you and I may not be willing to fork out the moolah for this baboolah, well, there are bound to be those who would, if only just because they could, get what I mean?

Take the record for the most expensive burger in the world. Apparently, last year, it's the million-rupiah (approximately US$110 then) burger rigged up by the executive chef with the Four Seasons hotel in Jakarta, Vindex Tengkar. It's a 7oz (200g) hunk of Kobe beef, the most exalted among the Wagyu, and laced with Japanese wasabi mayonnaise and Italian portobello mushrooms, encapsulated in a home-made onion wheat bun, and served with Asian pear and French foie gras, French fries with a glass of wine to wash it all down.

Before that, it was a beefy chomper by chef Daniel Boulud of the esteemed New York DB Bistro Moderne. He fashioned his Burger Royale out of a sirloin steak stuffed with short ribs braised in wine, foie gras and black truffles. The damage? US$99.

But did that stop New York foodies from frenzying the eatery? Hell, no. As UK journalist Oliver Burkeman observed in his piece for the Guardian: “But Manhattan's passing culinary frenzies have rarely been about strict definitions, or even the quality of the food. The compact geography of the place, its residents' relative wealth, and its diners' reliance on a tiny handful of opinion-forming publications, combine to create fads that electrify the city for a day, or a week, and then vanish as fast as they arrived. Just last year, gastronomes scoured Chinatown for tubs containing illegal snakehead fish, the terrifying but allegedly tasty monsters capable of crawling out of rivers and slithering over land, surviving outside the water for up to three days. Vendors started charging even to photograph them.”

But coming back to Malaysia, and more specifically Kuala Lumpur, it looks like the ultimate burger remains illusionary for now, though knowing the Malaysian penchant for making new world records, it's only a matter of time before we hoof it to the top.

Between buns ...

Where do mediocre burgers go when they die?
Answer: Burgertory

Where do burgers meet in cyber space?
Answer: The Meatrix

Why do teenagers love burgers?
Answer: Because they're pro-teen

How do you measure a burger's temperature?
Answer: With a thermomeater

Hey, whatever happened to the gourmet diner round the corner?
Didn't you hear? It was a fry-by-night.

Why was the 5-star chef sent to jail?
He was found guilty of burgery.

What happens when 2 burgers get married in the UK?
They meat in holy meatrimony.

Why did the fire trucks rush to the fast food outlet?
They heard the burger alarm.

How did the burger franchisee go upmarket?
He put a steak in it.