A MALAYSIAN LAUGH with Jerome Martin

How tragic. Now we won’t be able to tell who was unpatriotic and didn’t vote in the elections. So put away your stones and boiling oil and instead, let’s think about how to solve the problem of disposing 47,000 bottles of the stuff.

As long as I’ve known it, indelible ink was meant to be permanent. But the EC has convinced me that it lasts only for two weeks. Which brings to mind a whole hatful of ideas. Here are some of the best I’ve come up with. Maybe we can make a good thing out of this yet.

1. Semi-permanent tattoos for politicians

Since the ink was bought to serve the democratic process, it should be used thus. Now, as the number of young voters increase, Datuks and Tan Sris are clamoring to look like they’ve got the lowdown on the downlow.

Dear Diary,

Campaigning has been such a bitch.

For some reason, the people I visit are very cold and ambivalent to me. But I am assured by my election director that I will win. It will be all be “sorted out”.

I'm worried though. I cannot lose to this good-for-nothing non-Datuk. It will be such an embarrassing thing.

I suggested to my ED, hehe, we all have a good laugh when I call him that, that we use the allocation more directly. After all, RM2 million is a lot of money.

But he said, no, no, cannot, that would be called bribery.

Much better to do it for free so that we can pay our own salaries, it seems. I didn't know also we were getting paid to run.

But you do the math – but of course you cannot, you're just an empty book. My constituency will only see 40,000 voters maximum. Now, according to what Tok Long taught me all those years ago, that's RM50 each.

How not to win?

Dear Diary,

I cried today. I couldn't help it. I tried to be strong but it's just been such an emotional rollercoaster.

Today, I was finally nominated to run for the coming elections after weeks of scheming and plotting by my closest advisors.

At first, they told me to be close to the rakyat. Then they said be close to the PM. Then they said be close to the MB.

Now, I'm fed up of telling the same Samy Vellu jokes again and again.

But that's all in the past. I've finally succeeded. I'm one step closer to becoming an elected representative.

You see, this is basically the new incarnation of a lifelong dream. When I was a child, I wanted to be an award-winning rock star. Then I would have the adulation of the people, the acclaim of the elite and a lot of groupies.

Nobody told me I needed to have talent or personality.

But later on in life, when I became a petrol kiosk operator. I realised that you didn't need talent or charm to get into such a position.

A MALAYSIAN LAUGH By Jerome Martin

As polling day draws ever closer, the rate at which Johoreans are asking, “What’s all the fuss about" is climbing at a feverish pace.

Here, where the threat of Laksa Johor being annexed by the Singapore Tourism Board continues to loom large, the birthplace of Umno remains partisan to Barisan Nasional in ways that would make Star Wars fans cringe.

But there are a few pockets in Johor, other than those of “close-one-eye” MPs, that remain unknown quantities. For example, the status of Bigfoot in the upcoming elections.